HANS VON STREPPLE rides again

ramblings

So I learned yesterday that eBay has decided to ban the sale of metaphysical shit on its site. That means that you can no longer purchase hexes or demonic Christmas genies for $37 plus free shipping. Which is a shame, really.

Pictured: HANS VON STREPPLE

As you might expect, this action is being opposed by eBay’s charlatans. These kind folks have started a petition in order to convince eBay of the inherent wrongness of their actions.

Ordinarily, this nonsense would elicit but a chuckle from me as I clicked on to the next bit of news. However, if you’ll recall, I had some dealings with the metaphysical eBay community back in March when I was attempting to buy some creepy haunted dolls for my mom’s birthday. In my searching, I came across a Djinn-haunted crucifix (à la Wishmaster 4) that resulted in some dealings with one HANS VON STREPPLE.

Just out of curiosity, I visited the petition and searched through the names for Mr. HANS VON STREPPLE in order to see what he had to say about the whole business. And there he was, signer 390:

It’s utterly ridiculous that the centuries old attack on the pagan community and those whose work and livelihoods depend on the sale of metaphysical items should be happening once again. One would have thought the witch hunts of yesterday were dead and finished, clearly they are not, and so the suggestion of Ebay banning sales related to craft practitioners, spirit infusers, psychic readers, spell casters and reiki healers is ridiculous. A ban such as the one proposed by Ebay will not harm the Craft. It will make it stronger. But it will harm the price of shares in Ebay because consumer confidence will be affected in a company that is seen to be publicly vilifying and outlawing one sector of the community – the metaphysical community. And that, surely, is a human rights issue and NOT just a commercial or legal issue for Ebay to consider – NOW !

I think eBay should listen closely to HANS VON STREPPLE. Banning these items will only make “the Craft stronger.” Which is good for everyone, no?

On the other hand, not every eWitch shares HANS VON STREPPLE’s foresight. If eBay doesn’t change its attitudes and policies, the Internet may soon be haunted by djinns and spirits and whatnot. It’ll be just like public bittorrenting, and nobody wants that. I hope the online auction behemoth changes its big intangible mind, as there’s really no other place to buy curses wholesale. At least not anywhere that accepts PayPal.

Confessions of a fraudulent eBay user, Or: Corresponding with incorrigibles on the Internet

ramblings

I posted last night about some goofy haunted shit I was going to buy for my mom on eBay. A couple of haunted dolls and a poltergeist crucifix (whatever that is). I saw today that I had been outbid on the crucifix and, after a brief investigation, became concerned that the seller was simply trying to bait me into paying more money for the piece of crap than I had already committed to. Unfortunately for that person, my competitive side is virtually nonexistent.

My snarky asshole side, though? Well, that’s there pretty much all the time.

Immediately after losing the auction, I get this email from the seller of the crucifix:

It reads:

Dear ,

Greetings , the person who bid on the poltergeist crucifix has lost their nerve. If you want it for $8 all in with a full incense cones and candle and charging bag kit plus personalized certificate and free shipping please send $8 via paypal to the email address of sharonbiron@yahoo.com and please also let me have your full name and full address thank you.

- vonstreppledjinncorpamerica
Sweet deal, eh? My response:
Dear vonstreppledjinncorpamerica,Greetings!Please let me start by saying that I know your products are an absolute sham (Yes, I can recognize flea market charms when I see them. Pity, isn’t it?). That, however, doesn’t bother me. I was attempting to purchase your HORRID POLTERGEIST CRUCIFIX FROM ALASKAN SPOOKY HAUNTED HOME as a gag gift.When I received this message from you, at first I was like “what the hell? Eight bucks? Sure, I’ll buy it.” But then I remembered why I stopped bidding on the item in the first place. My competition in that particular auction, one “lionstarheavenlymagick,” has a whopping 87% of her purchase history tied up in your inventory. That’s a lot of poltergeists! Logically, I thought that “lionstarheavenlymagick” might be you, “vonstreppledjinncorpamerica,” just baiting me to bid higher. So I decided to walk away. People gotta eat, after all. No harm; no foul.

But this message (sorry about the digression there- I thought it relevant) raised the stakes a bit. You claim in said message that “lionstarheavenlymagick” “lost their nerve”! Spooky, indeed! Well, being the intrusive bastard that I am, I checked on the item listing to see who won the item. I found that, in fact, “lionstarheavenlymagick” did win and was very happy with the product! Talk about fast shipping! You got it to “them” in less than an hour! The service, it baffles the mind!

This information, of course, only made my interest swell. I really like lightspeed shipping. But then I gave your feedback history a look and saw that “lionstarheavenlymagick” very frequently buys your merchandise. Do “they” often back out on the purchase, pay you, and leave you good feedback? That, my friend, is a sweet deal. You could write a book about it and sell it on eBay. 

eBay tells me I’ve run out of characters. I’ll send a second message. BRB. 


As promised: the second message:
Dear vonstreppledjinncorpamerica,Greetings!Where were we? Oh, yes.As likely as it sounds, though, that little discovery didn’t deter me, either. You have a 100% positive feedback history, with thousands of sales. That’s a pretty good track record, I’ll admit. But there’s one ugly little blemish there that I couldn’t ignore: a neutral comment. I have a look at it and it’s a simple comment about an order cancellation. No biggie, right? But how did you respond again? Oh, yes:

“BECAUSE YOU NEVER PAID UP MISSUS THAT’S WHY & EBAY CANCELLED YOU, COMPRENDE ??”

Very harsh, indeed. Tsk, tsk.

And that, dearest “vonstreppledjinncorpamerica” is why I am not going to take you up on your offer to sell me the HORRID POLTERGEIST CRUCIFIX FROM ALASKAN SPOOKY HAUNTED HOME for $8 (shipping included). Not because you sell low-quality, non-haunted merchandise (everyone does that!!). Not because you fake out-bidded me in an attempt to pry more money from my sadly empty wallet. Not because you lied and said that your puppet account was too scared of the HORRID POLTERGEIST CRUCIFIX FROM ALASKAN SPOOKY HAUNTED HOME to follow through. I am not going to buy your product because you were a dick to some lady whose order got cancelled by eBay.

Respectfully,

guywhoisnevergoingtobuyyourcrapandisgoingtoreportyoutoebayforfraudulentactivity


To which I received this response:
It reads:
Dear ,Listen to me very very closely because I will speak only once and need to make my point only once. Lionstar heavenly magic is a good buyer who buys a lot of our items. What she does with them is her business. Not yours, and not mine. Now, let’s move on to your vitriol filled inuendo riddled angst wracked message. We get good feedback because we sell haunted AND djinn bound items AND because we raise hundreds of dollars through our listings to end animal cruelty in China and Vietnam where dogs are skinned alive and where bears are imprisoned in crush cages and kept in painful agony for decades. You, however, did not see fit to bid on our charity listings. Nor, clearly, have you educated yourself to our website which is a POLITICAL and MAGICAL website that is, like my listings, literate and oriented towards social issues. People like you who wish to play cheap tricks on your friends bore me. People like you who do not bid on any of the dozens of items we donate free to our charity listings each year bore me. To put it another way, you bore me. Lastly, there was another bidder above you, his ebay id is wickedclown55. Had I wanted MORE money then I would have offered the crucifix to him, but because he is young and not over 18, unlike you since you seem very old indeed, then I offered it to you out of consideration for the fact that I had not seen your name before but then as I said, that is probably because I have NOT seen you bidding on any of our ALL MONEY GOES TO CHARITY listings. Next, since you enjoy reading and have nothing better to do go through all our feedback with a very fine toothcomb, if you have one, and find your way back to our charity listings end educate yourself. Lastly, you bore me terribly, now go away and stop trying to get your kicks writing to your intellectual betters. HANS VON STREPPLE

- vonstreppledjinncorpamerica
To which I replied:
Thank you for taking the time to respond. You’ve convinced me to not report you.
Buying a birthday gift for one’s mother is much harder than it once was. I think I might try going to a store. I do apologize for the spacing of this post; I do believe the Von Strepple poltergeist has inhabited my web browser.
Off to send eBay an email…